Monday, 01 October 2012

• How Guys Think

  Every year at the beginning of college or high school, young girls seem to have a problem with guys.  So as the elder statesman here on xanga I will answer that age old question AGAIN.  Why Guys don't call.

   

  Todays important relationship question was asked by the fictioanary (I made that word up to drive people crazy)unnamed phone call we had the other night. Since this was such a serious subject I promised to respond to this age old question in today's journal entry. 

  So today we`re going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think, which has baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine in particular, for thousands of years. 

  The big question, of course, is: How come guys never call? After successful dates, I mean. You single women out there know what I`m talking about. You go out with a guy, and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time, and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call you?" And you, interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?", answer: "Sure!" 

  The instant you say this, the guy`s body start`s to dematerialize. Within a few seconds you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave it around; in a few more seconds he has vanished entirely, gone into the  mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over the years, never to be heard from again.  Eventually you start to wonder if there`s some­thing wrong with you, some kind of emotional hang-up or personality defect that your dates are de­tecting. Or possibly foot odor. You start having long, searching discussions with your female friends in which you say things like: "He really seemed to like me" and "I didn`t feel as though I was putting pres­sure on him" and "Would you mind, strictly as a friend, smelling my feet?" 

  This is silly. There`s nothing wrong with you. In fact, you should interpret the behavior of your dates as a kind of guy compliment to you. Because when the guy asks you if he can call you, what he`s really asking you, in Guy Code, is will you marry him. See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom­line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given drive­way. So here`s what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you`ll go out again, and you`ll probably have another great time, so you`ll probably go out again and have another great time, and so on until the only possible option will be to get married. 

  This is classic Guy Logic. 

  So when you say "Sure!" in a bright cheery voice, you may think you`re simply indicating a will­ingness to go out again, but as far as he`s concerned you`re endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to make after only one date, so he naturally decided he can never see you again. From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he`ll spring in the opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet, which would mean he`d have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee, and you might say yes, and pretty soon you`d be enjoying each other`s company again, and suddenly a clergyman would appear at your ta­ble and YOU`D HAVE TO GET MARRIED AIEEEEEEE. 
  (You women think this is crazy, right? Whereas you guys out there are nodding your heads.) 

  So my advice for single women is that if you`re on a date with a guy you like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a nonthreatening answer, such as: 

  
  "No." 

  Or: "I guess so, but bear in mind that I`m a nun." 

  This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining the courage to ap­proach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily startled woodland creature such as a chip­munk. In a few years, if the two of you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may reach the point where he`ll be willing to take the Big Step, namely, eating granola directly from your hand. 

  No matter how close you become, however, re­member this rule: Do not pressure the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings with you. Guys hate this, and I`ll tell you why: If you were to probe inside the guy psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about things like the 1998 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate, heartfelt interest in: the 1998 World Series. Yes. The truth is, guys don`t have any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It`s time you women knew! All these years you`ve been agonizing about how to make the relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you, worry­ing about all the anguished emotion he must have bottled up inside, and meanwhile he`s fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes. I`m sorry to have to tell you this. Maybe you should become a nun. 
  
  Anyway, I hope I`ve cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have regarding guys, as a gender. For some reason I feel compelled to end this with a personal note: Heather Campbell, if you`re out there, I just want to say that I had a really nice time taking you to the Junior Prom, and I was total jerk for never, not once, mentioning this fact to you personally. 
  
  Well, kids, that's it for today's relationship question. Tune in soon, when another fellow xanga member, whose name shall remain unknown will write in on the important question, "The Six Basic Rules of Choosing Flavored Condoms."

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