Tuesday, 16 October 2012

• Kissing Advice

  Should you be going out for drinks anytime soon I offer you this advice.

  I know the sexual advice you get from certain beauty's on here is invaluable.  But, sometimes your specific case requires Addtional Explicit helpful Information on Sex. The best source of reliable information is romance novels (you women  know what I`m talking about), which you can find in better bookstores and supermarkets everywhere. You know the books I mean-the cover always is a picture of a handsome and of course brooding man embracing a woman with green eyes and a bosom that is clearly heaving sometimes most of the way out of her dress. The title is always something fairly humid, like Loins of Passion. 

  You sexually inexperienced couples should get hold of one of these books,  because inside you will find a number of passages that are chock full of explicit, down to earth , practical "straight talk" about the sexual act: 

  "As Freckles gazed upward at Wes, whose dark, brooding eyeballs were turgid with passion, she felt the tormented tenseness of his throbbing, pulsating malehood, and she knew, with a knowledge borne of knowing, that  she could no longer hold back the surging waves of passion that washed over her, like waves of something, as his throbbing pulsating highly engorged lips sought hers, not that she wanted to hold them back, we`re talking about the waves of passion here, although she knew that somehow, somewhere, perhaps deep within the shuddering throes of yearninghood that even now gripped the very core of her womanhood, if you get what I mean, that she must find a way, through the hazy mists of desire, to end this  sentence, although she sensed somehow that......." 

  And so on. you young couples should study these thoroughly, so you can use them for guidance when you are attempting sex ( Freckles, " Wes you  mean to tell me that`s the tormented tenseness of your malehood?") 

  Of course guys this will lead you to necking, the big problem here is figuring out whether or not your date wants to DO IT. On the Planet of the Ideal Woman, your date would just come right out and tell you. She would  say: "Why don`t we lie down on the couch and neck like crazy?" 

  But here on the planet Earth, she won`t say anything. Sometimes this means she isn`t interested. But sometimes it doesn`t. If you lunge at her, lips  puckered and she responds back then it`s time to move on to attempting French Kissing, which is when you stick your tongue into her mouth, and she sticks her tongue into your mouth, and so there you are, your tongues in each others mouth`s. This is really a sexy thing to do, according to French People. Although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat  snails. 

  Anyway assuming you date has not kneed you in the groin, and also assuming that you really like her (or don`t) its time to move on to Heavy petting. 

  The big problem here is the bra strap. You cannot casually unhook a bra strap. The bra strap industry sees to this. Scientists over at the Bra Strap Research Center right here in Amarillo, Texas, work night and day with volunteer males and lifelike female dummies coming up with newer and more complicated fastening devices, devices where the first hook actually rehooks itself after you go on to the second one, such that nobody can get these bras off, especially a lust crazed male in a dark room. Many priceless jewelry collections are now protected by bra straps.

    If you get through the bra strap the next challenge is the undergarments, which you will probably have to ask your date for assistance with, because they can be complex beyond human imagination, but I strongly advise that before the two of you tackle them, you should leave the restaurant. 

   

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